(Adam introduces the group)
(Leslianne begins in charismatic protestant style – think Southern Baptist
preacher)
The LORD has given us our bodies as a source of pleasure and enjoyment. Rather
than engaging in sexual immorality with others, I exhort you to take matters
into your own hands. Your body is a temple; genuflect at your own altar. It
is better to give yourself relief than to partake in sexual fornication with
another. I call upon you to:
Answer the Bone Phone
Kill the Beast
Go Five Against One
Commit Assault on a Friendly Weapon
Play Backstroke Roulette
Bait your own Hook
Do Some Batting Practice
Bash The Candle
Make Yogurt
Beat Off
You all should take the time to satisfy your own needs. Fight the temptation
of sexual promiscuity. Would you who believe in the LORD prefer self-pleasure
or visiting prostitutes? Therefore, you must begin:
Shaking Hands With the Unemployed
Winding the Jack In The Box
Punchin' The Clown
Whipping the Window Washer
Taking a Shake Break
Slappin' Pappy
Petting Your Dog
Tugging your Toobsteak
Sending out the Troops
Jackin' the Beanstalk
Scratching the Itch
Milking the Bull
Waxing the Dolphin
Spreading the Mayo
Whipping the Pony
Moulding Hot Plastic
Ropin' the Long Horn
Whizzin' Jizzim
Shooting Enemies
Pounding your Pud
Working a Cramp out of your Muscle
Squeezing the Burrito
(Mike joins in)
And you young women listening to us: We ask you to consider the joys of self-pleasure.
Rather than risking pregnancy and disease, make love to someone who cares
about you. Make love to yourself. Save a baby from abortion – play with
yourself.
You must…
Burp the Carpet
Check for Squirrels
Feed your Slot
Have a Clam Bake for One
Clean your Fingers
Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw
Clitters
Come Into Your Own
Fuck Without Complications
Gag the Clam
Cream
Dial the Rotary Phone
Push the Button
Gag the Lips of Love
(Adam takes over)
Get to Know Yourself Personally in the "Biblical Sense"
Beat the Bait
Jack Hammer
Beat the Bishop
Fondle the Fig
Beat the Dummy
Beat the Snake
Get In Touch With Your Manhood
Beat the Stick
Launch the Hand Shuttle
Blow Your Load
Make the Bald Guy Puke
Bop your Bologna
Manipulate the Mango
Give Yourself a Hand Job
Play Couch Hockey for One
Beat your Meat
Be your Own Best Friend
Bleed the Weed
Shake Hands With the Governor
Leak the Main Drain
(Leslianne interrupts)
But remember, as the LORD teaches, when leaking the drain, do not spill your
seed on the Earth lest you suffer the fate of Onan. Think of this while I
implore you each to:
Bludgeon the Beefsteak
Date Mother Palm and Her Five Daughters
Box the Jesuit
Mangle the Midget
Buck it
Buff the Banana
Use Manual Override
Play With Yourself
Tenderize the Meat
Spank the Frank
Take a Staff Meeting
Pack your Palm
Have a Tug of War with Cyclops
Drain the Monster
Firm Your Worm
Yank the Crank
Stroke the Stallion
Fist Fuck
Buff the Wood
Explore Self Love
Burp the Worm
(Mike chimes in…)
But do not gag at the thought of self-love. Embrace yourself just as your
ancestors did. They explored their potential; you must do so as well.
Engage in Genital Stimulation via Phalangetic Motion
Get a Date with Slick Mittens
Fingerbate
Counter Cunts
Playing With the Man in the Boat
Drill For Oil
Play Pussy Soccer
Ride the Unicycle
Fingerpaint
Fiddle the Bean
Grope the Grotto
Cunt Cuddle
Dig a Trench
Feed the Bearded Clam
Polish the Nugget
Hitchhike to Heaven
And men, you too should:
Milking the Cow
Shooting Putty at the Moon
Hitching to Heaven
Slapping your Chub
Wrestling the Eel
Shifting Gears
Smacking your Sister
Working your Willy
Shooting Sherman
Pumping For Pleasure
Slapping the Clown
Throwin' Down
Milking the Lizard
Puddin'
Shining The Helmet
Punishing Percy
(Adam takes over…)
Women, we are giving you the hitchhiker’s guide to self-pleasure. Do
not deny yourself! Girls, it is essential that you appreciate:
Auditioning the Finger Puppets
Playing With Her Pineapple
Brushing The Beaver
Muffin Buffin'
Tickling the Taco
Pearl Fishing
Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
Spearing the Bearded Clam
Hitchhiking South
Toggling the Bit
Beating Around the Bush
Scoring the Hoop
Making Soup
Greasing your Hips
Flickin' the Bean
Teasing the Kitty
Jocelyn Eldering
Nulling the Void
Tossing Pink Salad
Polishing the Pearl
Surfing the Channel
Gusset Typing
Airing the Orchid
Soaking the Whisker Biscuit
Parting the Red Sea
Having a circus under the Big Top
Spelunking
Teasing the Tuna Taco
Playing with Mrs. Palmer's Five Daughters
Going Mining
Jillin' Off
(Leslianne again…)
Women, Jack and Jill went up a hill. But do not follow that out-dated advice.
Women, go up the hill yourself. That means every day you should take the time
to pleasure yourself. It is time to:
Douse the Digits
Test the Plumbing
Finger Blast
Pet the Pussy Cat
Do your Nails
Paddle the Pink Canoe
Engage in the only Safe Sex
Fly a Kite
Erase the Problem
Pamper the Pussy
Fan the Fur
Roll the Dough
Start Rubbin' the Nubbin
Do the Two Fingered Taco Tango
Wash your Fingers
(Mike entones...)
That’s right women! The LORD advocates washing your fingers instead
of hiding in shame. As Leviticus 15:16 states, just take a bath….in
your own purifying juicies.
Do the Levy Break Limbo
Polish the Peanut
Score a Three Point Shot
Pet the Petunia
Get a Stinky Pinky
Strum the Banjo
Rub the Red
Let the Fingers do the Walkin'
Play Couch Hockey for One
Spend A Night in With the Girls
Get a Lube Job
Play the Silent Trumbone
Beat the Beaver
Flit your Clit
Get To Know Yourself
Grissle Rub
Go into Manual Override
Pussycat
Play the Clitar
Use The Virgin's Release
Tiptoe Through the Two Lips
Play Poker
Buff the Weasel
Squeeze the Peach
Rub the Donut
(Adam takes over)
Young men, the only safe sex is the sex you have when you are alone. Everyone
does it. It is a natural and beautiful part of life. And men! Research has
shown that repressed sexual urges leads to increased prostate cancer. So young
men, in order to lead a healthy life you should:
Butter Your Corn
Call Down For More Mayo
Drop Stomach Pancakes
Fist your Mister
Play the Stand-Up Organ
Jack Off
Hone your Bone
Jiggle the Jewelry
Cum The Scum
Pound Your Flounder
Squeeze the Lemon
Turn Japanese
Oil the Glove
Doodle Your Noodle
Thump the Pump
Polish your Bayonet
Take Custer's Last Stand
Peel the Banana
Toss the Boss
Polish the Sword
Date Miss Michigan
Slam the Hammer
Wax your Weasel
Yank My Doodle
Snap the Monkey
Polish the Chrome Dome
Whip your Dripper
Squeeze the Tube of Tooth Paste
Play Pocket Pool
Polish the Rocket
Do The Dew
Tease the Python
Stir the Soup
Pat the Robertson
Tickle the Pickle
Hack the Hog
Ram the Ham
Tap the Turkey
Pump the Python
Jerk the Johnson
Wax your Jackson
Tickle Elmo
Get some Hands on Training
Shine Your Pole
Tussle with Your Muscle
Play the Piss Pipe
Polish your Piece
Do the Roman Helmet Rhumba
Call All Cum
Flog Your Dong
Carry Your own Weight
Cast Off
Hump your Fist Compete in the Five Knuckle Olympics
(Mike again…)
Yes, that’s right—Go for the gold! The Olympics aren’t just
for the exceptionally talented: anyone can compete in this sport. So, go higher,
faster and stronger in providing yourself joy. You need to:
Drop A Line
Hold Your Sausage Hostage
Change your Oil
Charm the Cobra
Play Your Instrument
Free Willie
Choak Charlie 'till He Throws Up
Flog Your Log
Why not take the time this afternoon, and
Give it a Tug
Shoot the Sherriff and Wait for the Posse to Come
Choke Kojak
Crown the King
Plunk your Twanger
Jack
Drain the Dragon
Pull Your Pud
Wring Your Thing
Do Hand Work
Pull the Pole
Knuckle Shuffle on your Piss Pump
Play Pocket Pinball
Do the Five Finger Knuckle Shuffle
Slap the Salami
Whack Your Tack
Paint the Walls
Cuff the Carrot
Paint the Pickle
Snap the Whip
Massage your Purple-Headed Warrior
Rub the Unicorn's Horn
Hump your Hose
Peel Some Chilis
Spunk the Monk
Do the Jelly Roll
Spank the Monkey
Throw off a Batch
Tug your Tapioka Tube
Rope the Pony
Knock the Top Off
Gallop the Antelope
Pound Off
Polish your Helmet
Give a One Man Show
Jag Off
Ride the Great White Knuckler
Have it Off
Stroke Off
Get Your Caps Peeled
Slap Box the One-Eyed Champ
Jazz Yourself
Squeeze the Cream From the Flesh Twinkie
Paddle the Pickle
Rub One Out
Jerk your Throbber
Runka
Choke your Chicken
Give the John Hancock
Fight the Civil War
Tug your own Rope
Clean the Pipes
Engage in Hand to Gland Combat
Clean your Rifle
Clubbing Eddy
Have a Roy
Pulling Your Goalie
(Leslianne again…)
Men, no longer should the goalie guard only the net. Discover your own inner
goalie and discover the flexibility required to play in the box.
Have One Off the Wrist
Crank the Shank
Pull your Taffy
Crank
Lope your Mule
Play a Skin Flute Solo
Crank For Cum
Make Nut Butter
Massage your Muscle
Pull the Root
Wonk your Conker
Jerk Off
Drain the Vein
Whack Off
Play With Your Noodle
Walk the Dog
Yahtzee
Oil The Pogo Stick
Yank Off
Pull Off
Hitchhike Under the Big Top
Do the Devil's Handshake
Play One Man Tug-O-War
Roll The Fleshy Blunt
Wring Out your Rope
Pound Your Piss Pump
Wax your Willy
Yank the Yodel
Whip the Dummy
Tease the Weasle
Chuck the Spear
See Mrs. Palmer & Five Daughters
Shake the Snake
PlayPocket Pool
Hear the sound of One Hand Clapping
Grease the Pipe
Toss Off
Play the Skin Flute
Jerk the Gherkin
Pull the Pope
Tame the Wild Hog
Give the Masonic Secret Self Handshake
Slap the Happy Sacks
Play the Organ
Toss the Turkey
Peel the Carrot
Stroke your Poker
Play the Pisser
Diddle
Get a Dishonorable Discharge
Hit the Ham
Pulling The Wire
Cuffing the Puppy
Jimmying your Joey
Getting In Touch With Yourself
Playing With Susi Palmer and her five friends
Slammin' the Salami
Roughing up the Suspect
(Adam)
That’s right: you can, in no violation of the LORD’S law, rough
up your suspect. Incriminate yourself and enjoy it a little rough.
Frigging the Love Muscle
Shaking Hands With Abe Lincoln
Playing With Dick
Rounding Up the Tadpoles
Popping The Purple Pimple
Humpin' Air
Punchin' The Munchkin
Ironing Some Wrinkles
Holding All The Cards
Disseminating
Slapping the Cyclops
Stroking your Goat
Routin' for the Yankees
Doddle Whacking
Scraping Your Carrot
Popping the Porpoise
Tuning the Antenna
Slinging Jelly
Pudwhacking
Snapping Your Carrot
Greasing your Bone
Stroking It
Playing With the Snake
Seasonin' Your Meat
Punishing the Bishop
Walking Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm
Shaking Hands With Shorty
Pud Wrestling
White Water Wristing
Shucking Bubba
Threading a Needle
Wiggling your Worm
Pulling The Piss Pump
Unwapping the Pepperoni
Varnishing the Cane
Whipping the One-Eyed Wonder Weasel
Measuring For Condoms
Wailing
Pumping For Power
Wanking