ANNOUNCER: The Oxford English Dictionary, the standard of the English language, defines a 'nebbish' as 'An insignificant
THE NEBBISH: The universe is slowly winding down, like a music box with no key. This is inevitable; however, my charge is to
ANNOUNCER: This week-- THE CONFESSION! (MUSIC)
NEBBISH: Maxwell Nefastis and I were hiking into a rustic village in the mountains to relax and get some fermented goat's milk.
(SFX: WIND, FOOTSTEPS)
MAXWELL: I tell you, baby, I don't know if I'm getting the hang of this License to Change. My brainmeats can't get used to
NEBBISH: Don't beat yourself up about it, Max. You're already better than you were a month ago. It's the kind of thing where
MAXWELL: Dang, baby! I'll finally clock some real time fighting evil! I'll plant the iron glove of justice right in their selfish
NEBBISH: Ha, ha! I don't know if you're quite there yet, chum. You're good with your License to Change, but you need to get
MAXWELL: I concentrate, meditate, and Change the ropes into whips. Then I use the whips and my strong kung-fu to beat
NEBBISH: Ha ha! That might just work, Max, but let me tell you what your father did. He Changed the contents of those spray
MAXWELL Dang! That's so clever!
NEBBISH: You're halfway there already, friend.
(BEEP)
NEBBISH: My two-way wrist radio!
(BEEP)
NEBBISH: This is the Nebbish, calling E.B.B... This is the Nebbish, calling E.B.B... come in, E.B.B.
VOICE: Please recite your agent number, today's passphrase, and your classification.
NEBBISH: Nineteen. Lemoncello. Sickle.
LADY: Message begins.
OLD MANS VOICE OVER PHONE: Nebbish! Come back to the monastery! Something terrible has just happened!
LADY: Message ends.
NEBBISH: I guess we won't be having fermented goat's milk cocktails today, Max!
(MUSIC)
OLD MAN: Nebbish, thank God youve arrived! Number six just arrived, and the poor boys in bad shape!
NUMBER SIX: (coughing)
NEBBISH: Good lord! This mans been shot!
NUMBER SIX: Not much time. (coughing) Theres a FLOW plot. I was helping Nate Unusual with his music, working on a sound
NEBBISH: Good god, man!
NUMBER SIX: They shot me too, but I got to the door before they could finish me off, used my License to change so I came
NEBBISH: Confesses to what, Six? Confesses to what?
NUMBER SIX: Confesses to-- confesses to-- Agggh!
OLD MAN: Hes dead, old bean!
MAXWELL: What's that in his got in that death grip?
NEBBISH: It looks like-- yes! A compact disc!
(MUSIC)
NEBBISH: Now, Nate Unusual was an interesting guy. He'd been an EBB agent, but he retired to work on his music. And it was
(SOUND COLLAGE)
NEBBISH: Wow. There's supposed to be a confession in that tape somewhere? I couldn't hear a damn thing that sounded like a
OLD MAN: I am completely baffled!
MAXWELL: I dug it.I could definitely dance to that. Get a little twisty on some hard cider, dance around--
NEBBISH: Yes, but how will we ever isolate the confession from that jumbled masterpiece?
MAXWELL: I got no idea, baby!
NEBBISH: Remember your father and the hydrogen, Max?
MAXWELL: Dang, that's right! I can do any damn thing I want! Let me just concentrate here--
(SFX: POP!)
NEBBISH: What the devil is that, Maxwell?
MAXWELL: You like it, baby? I just created it! I call it the Flange-O-Vouty. It's a machine that'll isolate single tracks from
NEBBISH: How does that work?
NEBBISH: Well, I'll put the disc in here, and turn it on--
(AUDIO: TRAIN, RAIN, VOICES)
VOICE 1: It's good to see you again, Andrew. What have you been working on?
SCOTCH EGG: It's pretty hush-hush. I shouldnt talk about it.
VOICE 1: Who are you talking to, J. Edgar Hoover? Who am I going to tell?
SCOTCH EGG: Aye, but I've got to keep it under wraps. Im the head honcho for this little experiment and I really need to make
VOICE 1: Come on, you jerk, tell me.
SCOTCH EGG: All right, fine. You know who the Immortality Worm is?
VOICE 1: I think so?
SCOTCH EGG: The Immortality Worm is pretty small-time. What he does is, he bites people. When he bites them, theyre
VOICE 1: Wow. So he does this to people and then they become his slaves? Or he does it to people, and then he feeds off of
SCOTCH EGG: Nah, he doesnt have that much imagination. When theyre caught up weeping in existentialist awareness, he
VOICE 1: Really? That's it?
SCOTCH EGG: Like I said, small time. But this time he stumbled on something big. He just doesn't know how to use it yet. There
VOICE 1: Jesus!
SCOTCH EGG: Right. So he figured, whoops, whatever. When he starts putting the drug in a city's water supply, just
VOICE 1: Strictly small time!
SCOTCH EGG: Aye. He did it once in this tiny town in Iowa, and it took him days to go get all the wallets. He got bored and
VOICE 1: Excellent!
SCOTCH EGG: Aye. The whole city is supplied by the same bulk food distributor. It's easy enough to put the drug in the
VOICE 1: Brilliant!
SCOTCH EGG: Aye. The fellas are strictly small-time. They aren't going to take the drug. They're just going to drive around
VOICE 1: Does that really work?
SCOTCH EGG: Aye, I tried it with a dog. It works.
VOICE 1: I have been having dreams about a--
SCOTCH EGG: Border collie, yeah?
VOICE 1: He just wants me to feed him and play with him.
SCOTCH EGG: Now, me, when I'm in there, I'm going to rule it with an iron fist. I'll be immortal, forever, and I'll be the king of
(MUSIC SWELLS)
MAXWELL: That's where that track ends.
NEBBISH: I recognize that voice--that's the Scotch Egg!
OLD MAN: Good lord! (choke)
MAXWELL: Who?
THE NEBBISH: He's an upper level FLOW agent. No super powers, but a lot of dedication to his work.
MAXWELL: Why y'all call him the Scotch Egg?
THE NEBBISH: Because he HATES IT! Max, we don't have time for this right now-- can you tell me when that was recorded?
MAXWELL: Looks like-- last Wednesday, daddy-o!
NEBBISH: We've got no time to waste! Weve got to get to Eau Claire right now!
NEBBISH: Eau Claire's a beautiful city. Peaceful, rustic. Unfortunately, when we got there, everybody was already asleep! The
MAXWELL: Dang, I'm hungry.
NEBBISH: Me too, old chum. Let's stop and grab a bite to eat.
MAXWELL: Aw hell yeah. Lets go in here!
NEBBISH: No, old chum, stop! Dunkin' Donuts is off limits!
MAXWELL: Dang, these nasty-ass stale crullers look foul! But they'll have to do!
NEBBISH: NO!
THE NEBBISH: I was too late. Maxwell had already eaten half of the stale cruller, and fallen to the floor in a heap. At first I was
(DREAM MUSIC)
MAXWELL: Where the hell are we, Paulie?
NEBBISH: When you bit into that stale cruller, you opened up the doors of perception! The German sleep chemical, Maxthe
MAXWELL: (GASP) So we're-- we're IN-- the dream?
NEBBISH: I think so, Max. That would explain that Rhinoctopus!
(SFX: RHINOCTOPUS)
NEBBISH: And that god-awful vermicious Ka-nid!
(SFX: VERMICIOUS KNID)
SCOTCH EGG: You wee bastard, Nebbish!
NEBBISH: SCOTCH EGG!
SCOTCH EGG: Don't call me that, you ass! My name is Andrew!
NEBBISH: You're a bad egg, Andrew!
SCOTCH EGG: Oh, that's clever.
NEBBISH: Don't play hard-boiled with me!
SCOTCH EGG: I swear to God.
NEBBISH: What's the matter, Egg? Thin-shelled?
SCOTCH EGG: You forget, Nebbish-- in this realm, I am king! I draw power from the collective unconscious! I am lucid to the
NEBBISH: It was at this point that I realized he was right. I looked around the dreamscape, and the blighted, blasted world
SCOTCH EGG: Nebbish, you never were the brightest tulip in the garden. Don't you get it? You couldn't stop me with all the
MAXWELL: Where are we, baby?
NEBBISH: We're in a prison of the mind, old chum. The Scotch Egg's sick, twisted, overcooked brain! I've searched the cell
MAXWELL: Who's that guy?
PRISONER: Yeah, I'm Tom.
MAXWELL: Hi, Tom.
NEBBISH: Tom was one of the Scotch Egg's henchmen. He was the one that was supposed to shoot the Scotch Egg, kill his
PRISONER: Yeah, I accidentally ate some donuts. He was PISSED. 'Blah blah blah, Tom, yeh let meh doon! Naih theres a
MAXWELL: So we aren't totally lost! There's still a chance we can get out of here!
NEBBISH: I don't know, friend. If we stay here long enough, our bodies will die, and then we'll be stuck here, in this dank
MAXWELL: You sound like the Immortality Worm just too a big bite out you tushy, baby!
NEBBISH: I'm actually immune to the Immortality Worm. This is the real deal, Max.
MAXWELL: Wait up, daddy-o! If someone turns off the machine, we're gonna wake up in the real world!
PRISONER: Yeah, he keeps it in the basement of the courthouse. There's a generator powering it. There's enough fuel in the
MAXWELL: Someones got to notice! I'm sure that some people in Eau Claire don't even like donuts!
NEBBISH: I appreciate your optimism, Max, but Wisconsin loves its donuts!
MAXWELL: Man, that sounds good right now. I'm so hungry! My belly's a-screamin', daddy-o! Look at my hands-- they're
(SFX: POP!)
MAXWELL: Oh, snap, baby, a cream-filled long-john! Dang but that looks delicious! Mmmm.
NEBBISH: Maxwell, how did you do that?
MAXWELL: I dunno, baby, I was just looking at the back of my hand, and wishing I had a donut!
NEBBISH: Max! You're a genius.
MAXWELL: Oh yeah?
NEBBISH: Yeah! That's the old lucid-dreaming trick! Look at the back of your hand, and you can start to control your dreams!
(SFX: POP! POP!)
PRISONER: Damn, that's a lot of donuts, guys! Can I have some?
NEBBISH: Sure!
MAXWELL: Whoa, baby, I feel funny! I feel like I could punch the moon! I feel like I could throw a Volkswagen a
(SFX: EXPLOSION)
PRISONER: Holy crap! I just punched through this wall!
NEBBISH: Maxie, you're a double genius! Those donuts you lucid dreamed into existence were jam-packed with the German
SCOTCH EGG: (giving orders) PAINT MY FEET! WASH MY CLOTHES! DANCE FOR ME! Dance for poppa. Do a little dance! A little
(SFX: EXPLOSION)
SCOTCH EGG: What the crap?
NEBBISH: The jig is up! It's back to the henhouse for you, Scotch Egg!
SCOTCH EGG: Jesus Christ, why do you do that?
MAXWELL: FREEZE!
NEBBISH: Max! What are you doing? Where did you get that gun?
MAXWELL: Hold still, Nebbish! I just need to shoot you in the head.
(SFX: GUNSHOT)
NEBBISH: MAX-- why? why? (cough)
SCOTCH EGG: Good on you, Maxwell! Im glad youve come around! F.L.O.W. is the way to go!
MAXWELL: Don't move, you son of a bitch! By killing him here, I sent him back there-- to turn off your infernal machine!
SCOTCH EGG: Oh, you wee bugger!
MAXWELL: Now I'm going to shoot myself in the head, and I'll go back there!
(SFX: SHOT)
(MUSIC)
(SFX: DOOR SLAMMING)
JAILOR: You're going away for a long, long time
SCOTCH EGG: I'll get you for this, Nebbish! I'll get you for this, Maxwell! I swear to all that's unholy, you havent seen the
MAXWELL: Smells like sulfur-- is that a rotten egg, baby?
ALL: (LAUGHING)
(MUSIC)