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(Mmmm) Cyanide.
Puppets' relevances in 13 acts

by José Alvarado

Characters:

Balderdash
Cloud-nain
Ellowhy
Monotony Cianuro
Mrs. Margaret
(Mysterious) Voice
Nalgas
Puddle
Pup-star
Sana-ba
Signal

 

ACT I. Cianuro.

(Act I sign appears)
(Monotony Cianuro is sitting, Mrs. Margaret enters with a cup of coffee)

MONOTONY CIANURO: (grumpy) Margaret! I'm hungry! What's for dinner?
MRS. MARGARET: (excited) Coffee, I made coffee.
MONOTONY CIANURO: (increasingly mad) Coffee?! Just Coffee?!
MRS. MARGARET: (calmly) Yes, coffee, but it's a special one.
MONOTONY CIANURO: Special? What are you talking about?
MRS. MARGARET: About this! (she puts the coffe in Monotony's mouth)
MONOTONY CIANURO: (drinking excited) Oh! It's delicious! (glup, glup), it's a tremendous
coffee! (glup, glup) Yummie, yummie!
MRS. MARGARET: (satisfied) I told you, silly!
MONOTONY CIANURO: (still drinking) What did you put on this coffee?
MRS. MARGARET: Oh, you know, just coffee... sugar... milk... cyanide...
MONOTONY CIANURO: Mmm... is great! (pause) Cyanide?! Did you said cyanide?!
MRS. MARGARET: Mmm, yeah, cyanide.
MONOTONY CIANURO: My favorite! I love you! (he dies)

(Mrs. Margaret observes the audience laughing, disappears).

ACT II. Yo era un charco.

(Act II sign appears)
(Puddle speaking to the audience)

PUDDLE: Once I was a puddle, for a long time. Until one day...

(Sun appears, rising, dances with Puddle)

PUDDLE: ...I evaporated.

(Sun and Puddle disappear, Cloud-nain appears)

CLOUD-NAIN: And I wasn't a puddle anymore! I was a cloud! And I was happy!
I was able to fly all around the sky...

(Sky-man appears and starts to follow Cloud-nain which moves in all directions)

CLOUD-NAIN: I flyed higher and higher, then things got complex, possitive and
negative charges, bipolarity, my life was full of thunders...

(Thunder appears and comes out of the cloud with loud sounds)

CLOUD-NAIN: ...my life was gray. I wasn't happy anymore. I decided to suicide,
and I did... I tried... but I failed.

(Puddle gets together with Cloud-nain in the form of rain)

CLOUD-NAIN/PUDDLE: I became rain, and before I realized...

(Cloud-nain disappears, Puddle in the same position of the beginning of the act)

PUDDLE: I was a puddle again.

ACT III. Balderdash!

(Act III sign appears)
(Balderdash appears, nervous, scared)

BALDERDASH: Bb-b-b-b-aaa-bbb-baalde-b-b-balderda-b-balderdash!!!

ACT IV. You can control the rain.

(Act IV sign appears)
(Ellowhy under a cloud of rain)

(MYSTERIOUS) VOICE: You can control the rain!
ELLOWHY: Holy water! Are you serious?
(MYSTERIOUS) VOICE: Of course I am, look...

(Meditation sounds, rain becomes orange)

ELLOWHY: Holy puddles! Carrot juice! (pause) So, can you make
rain become chocolate?
(MYSTERIOUS) VOICE: Easy...

(Meditation sounds, rain becomes brown)

ELLOWHY: Holy mud! Chocolate! That's amazing! Let's see... can you
make rain become giant purple snakes?
(MYSTERIOUS) VOICE: Of course I can, asshole!

(Meditation sounds, rain becomes giant purple snakes)

ELLOWHY: (So scared) AHH! GIANT PURPLE SNAKES!

(Runs away with the purple rain chasing him)

ACT V. Fuck the monotony.

(Act V sign appears)
(Monotony Cianuro enters)

MONOTONY CIANURO: fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony,
fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony.

ACT VI. Quisiera cagar estrellas.

(Act VI sign appears)
(Nalgas, alone)

NALGAS: (sad) I wish I could defecate stars...
(MYSTERIOUS) VOICE: You can control what you defecate...
NALGAS: (excited) I do?! Let me try!

(Meditation sounds, fart sound, a star falls down from Nalgas and fly away)

NALGAS: YEY!

ACT VII. Audience.

(Act VII sign appears)
("Applause" sign)
("Shouting" sign)
("Shhhhh" sign)

ACT VIII. Fuck the monotony (part 2).

(Act VIII sign appears)
(Monotony Cianuro alone)

MONOTONY CIANURO: fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony,
fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony, fuckthemonotony...

(Mrs. Margaret appears with the special coffee. Monotony C. runs toward her,
drinks all the coffee and dies).

ACT X. And number nine?

(Act X sign appears)
(Balderdash appears alone)

BALDERDASH: And number nine? And number nine? And number nine?
And number nine?

ACT XI. Number IX.

(Act XI sign appears)
(Act X sign appears)
(A hand with a marker converts the X into IX)

ACT XII. And number ten?

(Act XII sign appears)
(Balderdash appears alone)

BALDERDASH: And number ten? And number ten? And number ten?

(A "tell him to shut up" sign appears)

BALDERDASH: (after audience tell him to shut up) Ok! ok!

ACT XIII. The end?

(Act XIII sign appears)

(Sana-ba appears)

SANA-BA: And that's why we should invade Irak, Iran, Afganistan, and all
regions with oil... i mean.. terrorists...

(Mrs. Margaret Enters carrying special coffee)

MRS. MARGARET: (whistles) I got some coffee for you.
SANA-BA: Coffee? For me? What does it...
MRS. MARGARET: (interrupting puts the coffee in Sana-ba's mouth) Drink!
SANA-BA: (glup, glup) Mmm! This is so delicious! (glup, glup), what does it has?
MRS. MARGARET: Anthrax!

(Sana-ba dies instantly)
(Act XIII sign appears and looks at Mrs. Margaret)

MRS. MARGARET: You want some too?

(The sign moves excited. Mrs. Margaret gives it coffee by one corner)
(The sign dies. Mrs. Margaret laughs, drinks special coffee and dies)

(The end)

 

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