Introduction:
There is a dangerous lack of advertising in this world. With decreasing consumer interest, the ad industry MUST seek new, more intrusive ways to get the buyer's attention. While driving to Dallas, I was thinking of how to solve this problem. As my brain wandered, I found myself veering off to the left and damn shat myself when the entire car shook and filled with a terribly loud noise. Although I had ran over the warning track thingy before, this time it really startled me. But then it hit me, why couldn't we use those little grooves to make better sounds, perhaps jingles or corporate catch phrases. So I did some research and found that Firestone had actually researched this in the 50's, but abandoned it after discovering the grooves' long term destruction to tires among other problems which I will discuss later. So the question now is how to apply this idea to the highway system. After nights of thinking, I concluded that the best possible way is to paint over the grooves with the visual corporate ad and put them across all lanes of the highway so that the sneaky little consumers can't escape them. Here are some pictures that I made in Photoshop to illustrate my ideas:

The New, Faster Form of Obtaining Revenue Other Than Tollways


Nature is ugly. Ads spruce it up and give it a little more color.

Technical Aspects:
This idea really brings up many questions like "How exactly does it work?". Well for that I provide a diagram showing you exactly how high each groove needs to be in order to get the correct pitch. This will be the blueprint for each of these ads.

Insert Diagram

The main question, however, is "What exactly does it sound like?". After doing my research the main response I found was that since the front tires hit the grooves a split second before the rear tires, it produces a strange echo. This echo, if in a male voice, is said to sound like God talking to you, which is another reason Firestone bailed on the idea. I think this is great. Who would be the best salesperson in the world? Who would most people listen to above all? God. So why not encourage this? Here is a sound clip of what I think the voice would sound like if we used a Foster's beer ad.

Pro's and Con's:
So let's lay out exactly what we have here:

Pro's
-------
Increases Ad Revenues
Unescapable for the consumer = guaranteed feedback on viewership
Beautiful, colorful additions to the ugly highway landscape
Keeps people awake while driving
Boosts economy
Makes me rich because I thought of it

Con's
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One of the major hurdles we have to get past the whole speed issue. If I'm going at 55 MPH and someone else is stuck in traffic and going 25 MPH, we're going to hear something very different. I suggest we put two different groove strips. One for fast drivers and one for slower ones. Perhaps put the slower one in front of the fast one so that the faster drivers just hear a "blip" before they get the "real" ad.

Another major problem is the whole tire destruction thing. I think this is bullshit because the tire industry has been slacking off for the past 50 years. They had to see this moment coming and they have done nothing to prepare. Nevertheless, we can donate 10% of the first years' earnings to R&D firms in order to develop a tire that can withstand the damage.

Conclusion:
So to sum up what I've been talking about, we need more ads. We need more ads in a new way, one that is unavoidable. There is seemingly no drawbacks to this new technology, so let's do it! This is the only surefire way to keep the struggling ad industry afloat in these harsh times. Unless we increase spam. Spam is awesome.

By the way, in case you haven't caught on, this is all sarcasm.