Only Rem mbe this dre m in fr gments.

I go into a stripclub,

It's different than those big, fancy clubs with mirrors and theatrical lighting.

This club is more like a

trading post in the middle of nowhere.

(I don't remember other dancers dancing.)

A dancer sits with me.

I decide I want a blowjob.

She asks if she can put a condom on me, which I'm happy about, because the moment before I'm worried . . .

about catching something.

She sucks

I . . .

climax!

() () () () () ()

Someone I know is in the booth with us--Marissa?

I feel uncomfortable being watched,

but Marissa seems to be pretty "fuck it" about it and not to care.

So I . . .

relax.

I ask the dancer "how much?"

"Five bucks," she says.

I give her eight--a five and three ones. I remeber the specific bills. I remember the specific bills. I remember the specific bills. I remember laying them out, one at a time.

One at a Time.

A FIVE, and a ONE, and a ONE, and a ONE

In her hand. In a hand.

My mind had wandered while she was giving me the blowjob. I didn't really enjoy it. Did I? I was thinking of something else until, until, the moment of climax which, which. .

brought me to the present. NOW.

I felt guilty and small .

Another detail -----while she was . . . you know, she called out

"Tracy" "Tracy" Tracy" "Tracy"

(my first girlfriend when I was nineteen)

The dancer thinks this will

turn me on ! * & *

but it doesn't

I tell her this.

she apologizes.

I also remember being happy I was a little drunk,

still I felt

dirty and pathetic.

I also remeber that the price was cheap because of a sign--posted somewhere--that read, "Afternoon Special."