This enterance exam consists of three parts, one quantitative, one analytical and one where the question to be answered is: “Just tell us about yourself”.
Part 1, Quantitative: 24 Questions, 27 minutes. Begin by pressing the “Enter” key. Do not spend too much time on each question. If you do not know the answer, skip it and go onto the next question. You will be allowed to come back to skipped questions once you have completed the entire section. You will be given a score for each question that you answer. You will not be given a score for unanswered questions, or unanswered prayers.
You may begin.

Question # 1: When the square root of a square with the parameter of x is multiplied by the cosine of the interior parameter y what is the…

I do not know. I do not care. There is nothing about this information that is going to help me make a better green bean casserole or explain to me how I might better seduce someone. I am uncertain about the importance of this information in the broader context of my life, especially with regards to assistance in helping me get out of the parking ticket I got last weekend when I was trying to return the lingerie that I bought in a vain attempt to impress a guy that hasn’t yet called me and quite possibly never will. As a matter of fact, I have a question for the questions that I am being asked to answer in order so that I might score well enough on this test so that I might have the opportunity to get into a decent business program, do reasonably well in a job with an international firm (offices in at least three continents, besides North American and Europe) procured based on the reputation of the school and the recommendation of the professor (that I might have to sleep with in order to get the recommendation) for approximately one year after I get out of business school, and then meet another young, single (preferably) male who knows at least four languages and can commit to something more than allowing me one drawer at his apartment for “incidentals”. My question deals with the amount of knowledge that one should have gleaned from four years at a relatively decent university, while majoring in “international relations” (?) with a minor in indigenous cultures. Should there be an quantifiable amount of knowledge that I should have been responsible for retaining all of these years and all of the moments I spent whiling away in my apartment, watching reruns of “Saturday Night Live” and eating cold Vietnamese food, instead of going to the gym or perhaps even taking in a matinee of the new Iranian film that won a Golden Globe a few weeks ago? Was I supposed to remember middle school pre-algebra, high school geometry and trigonometry, college calculus and introductory courses in systems analyses (which I still have not a clue about exactly what kinds of systems I was analyzing)? Another question I would like to pose to the questions that seem so effortlessly leaving me feeling stupefied and overwhelmingly dumb is the reasoning that the colleges and universities that I might apply to might be using to determine why the results of this test might dictate my eligibility for their respective programs, and conclusively, my whole life? One more question I’d like to pose before I move onto the next section of this test, entitled “Analytical”: what might be the possibility of the proctor asking me out after I complete the test and consequently depart from the test site with the intention of seeking out a slice of mall pizza?
Section 2 is a series of analytical questions. Again, do not spend too much time on any one question. You will be allowed to come back to skipped questions once you have completed the entire section. Once again, we remind you that this is a timed test, which you will have 32 minutes to answer 30 questions. You have been given scratch paper to make any notations or to work out your answers on. You may begin by pressing “Enter” on your keyboard.

Question #1: In an effort to diminish the overhead costs of the shipping and receiving department at Winkleman’s Department stores, the company plans on instituting a system which integrates SKU codes and human customer service support in order to complete returns effectively. What are the relevant effects of continuing to preserve a human element in this business model?

Once, when I was trying to return a pair of shoes at 7 pm on the last day of the thirtieth day of the thirty-day return policy as outlined by the store I bought the shoes from I got into a rather serious argument with the saleswoman regarding their negligent behavior towards me as I banged incessantly on the window of the storefront while begging and crying in an effort to get her to unlock the door and let me in, so that I might be able to return the shoes, get my money back and effectively have the last seventy-five dollars necessary to pay the rent that month. It was my experience that if a machine had been in charge of this process, such as a laser scanner which reads the SKU information from the bar code on the box of the shoes, (although, not in this situation, as I had ruined the box, using it to carry brownies that I baked for a sick co-worker that I had a recent crush on and had to bring the shoes back to the store in a cellophane bag) it would have alleviated the ensuing argument with the store clerk by allowing me until midnight on the thirtieth day of the thirty-day return policy to return the shoes. You see, I didn’t mean to wait until the last minute to return these shoes, it’s just that I needed them for a wedding I was going to for a friend, a wedding that my onetime fiancé would be attending with his new wife, and the importance of looking as well put-together as possible was not only a priority, but genuine obligation. While it is not my responsibility in taking this test to reform the questions themselves, I put it to you, the artists of this exercise which is meant to diagnose my ability to understand, analyze and potentially fix any problems that might result from bad business decisions, I think it would be best to alleviate the human element altogether in this scenario an retreat to a position which might have caused great consternation in the auto industry, but for out purposes here might be just the trick to create an effective and efficient method of retuning merchandise to Winkleman’s: Get rid of the human element, implement a machine.

This is the final section of this test. You are asked to answer the simple question: “Just tell us a little bit about yourself”. Do not think this question obtuse or tricky. It is meant to give us, the people who will analyze this exam, a bit of information that might otherwise be missed by judging the answers to the questions from the previous two sections. You should use this opportunity to display your skills as a writer and to impart information about yourself that you might want an admissions adviser to take into consideration when determining your eligibility for the program, which you desire to be accepted into.

Press “Enter” and begin writing on the blank screen provided. You will have forty-five minutes and should write approximately one thousand words (a word counter is provided for you at the bottom of your screen so that you may keep track of the words). You might consider quickly writing a first draft and using the remainder of your time to check for spelling and grammatical errors, as these will count against the score received for this portion of the test. Good Luck and Have Fun!

I’m uncertain what you might have gleaned from the previous two sections of this test, except for the possibility that perhaps I did not get the right amount of bang for my buck while at an institution of higher learning. What I can tell you is that I am not blessed with any of the typically blandular hobbies that tend to plague young people such as myself these days (and trust me when I say I know what I’m talking about: I worked for three weeks in HR for a rather large company that employs many of the bespoke folks, a company which, for reasons of potential libel suits, shall remain nameless). These hobbies might include: kayaking, skiing, book clubs, wine tasting and / or public speaking clubs, sewing bees, stock clubs, “movie pals”, cooking classes, gardening clubs or anything that might involve being unnecessarily cordial for an unnecessary amount of time. While you may not get the sense that my personality is a multi-layered affair, filled with hidden, charming nuances, there is much that I might be able to add to a good business program. I am certain of my un-wavering ability to sustain even the most grueling tests of my patience (hence this test and the annoying buzz of the tracking cameras that are watching my every move while I take it), but I am also a talented raconteur and feel quite at home at some of the larger verbal pissing contests that men and women engaged in the social laws of big business might engage in. I am challenged by the brainteasers that come long with solving the puzzles of modern entrepreneurship, including where to procure a prostitute for a client, choosing the perfect menu for a hostile-take-over meeting (still a necessary consideration, even in today’s tamer times) and of course, having a full artillery of wink-and-grimace tools at my disposal when outright communication during a briefing is impossible. Coming into the wily world of business ventures is not without its’ dangers and cautionary signals. I believe a good candidate (such as myself) for business school should not have to be concerned with issues of hard numbers and accuracy. In the New Economy, not caving to the widespread indecisiveness and general paranoia present at high-level strategy sessions is key. I believe it’s crucial to have all of the right tools at ones’ immediate disposal: stylish office furniture, an aquarium stocked with numerous varieties of rare breeds of tropical fish, a lava lamp, a deft and subordinate assistant with good taste and breeding, and most importantly, the right shoes.

I might also recommend to you, the reader of this essay, that the reliability of these tests, up until sections such as this, where the apparent artistry of a candidate might make itself better known, is in fact, inconclusive. Is it really necessary to waste the effort of grading multiple-choice questions when the true test of an applicant’s ability might lie in his or her ability to be disarmingly cute about their apparent lack of ability to both quantify and analyze questions that seemingly have no bearing on anything?
Finally, I will conclude with one more question:
What percentage of the final decision on my acceptance does this test account for, and, is there a possibility for a “do-over”? If so, please do not hesitate to contact me via mobile phone or instant messenger.
Cheers.